Giving Thanks...

It's past midnight and it's officially Thanksgiving. The past few days have been pretty emotional for me... Just this past Friday, I was driving home from work in rush hour traffic... recalling the email I received from my beloved Gramps that morning. He wrote, "I still miss your grandmama even though she passed away almost a year ago. And remember, you are almost a carbon copy of her both in appearance and intelligence." I read his email pretty much just as I was waking up that morning, but the words didn't quite resonate until I found myself by my lonesome. It was then that it hit me... Thanksgiving was less than a week away, and I was inundated with painful memories of the events that transpired a year ago this time. I remembered getting that call on my morning commute on November day and finding out that my grandmama was in a coma. I remembered sitting around the dinner table in my brother's old apartment... with my whole family... on Thanksgiving... passing around the phone as we talked to grandmama, hoping to God - though gripped with haunting uncertainty - that she could hear our words of love and would soon come back to us. We all clung on to that hope until the moment we knew she had gone home. Overcome with the memory of that loss, I re-lived the grief once more. It was a grief that wrenched my heart... and truly the hardest loss I've had to deal with thus far in my life. I can only imagine how soul shattering any deeper grief would be. I shudder at the thought...

But God is good - beyond all measure. Jesus told His disciples that He would not leave them by themselves, but that He would give them a Helper - the Holy Spirit. He is our comforter and our guide. He ministers to us in our darkest time. He is that still, small voice that reminds me that God loves me and to turn my eyes upon Him when my heart has sunken low and my soul is weary. And it was at that moment, in the middle of my grief, that God in all His goodness and providence reminded me of His faithfulness. A year has just about passed since our goodbyes to her began... and He's been faithful. He brought me through a deep and difficult bereavement process... the weakest I'd ever felt spiritually in a long time. But the Lord tested my faith so that I can write today and testify that He is faithful indeed.

Reflecting on the past year alone made me realize how much has really changed in my life and the lives of my beloved. I feel as though nearly ten years worth of change occurred in a single twelve month period... and the year's not even over yet. Death... New Life... Displacement... New Beginnings... Upward Movement... Maturation & Development... The saying is indeed true that "The only constant is change." And though I relished change as a teenager because of the excitement and opportunity that it presented - in my mid-twenties I find myself wanting to hold on to the way I know things to be... to remain in the cocoon of comfort that I am greatly fond of. Sometimes I try to ignore the tantrum my soul throws when it cries out, "NO! Just leave it alone! DON'T change the way things are... DON'T take my family away... WHY does it have to change?! It's FINE the way it is... THIS is how it should be.........." But I know that's wrong. Who am I to question the God of this universe, who created me and every other living thing...? He who hung the stars in the sky... who can move mountains... who can calm the oceans...? So I try to put such thoughts away... because God is in control. And I trust Him. He has a reason for everything He does and for everything He allows to happen in our lives. He knows the road ahead... the road that I can't see 2 inches past my own feet.

But it's this time of year that it hurts the most. Knowing that I can't spend the holidays with the people I've spent them with the last 25 years of my life. Coming to grips with the fact that it probably won't ever be the same again. Having to say "Happy Thanksgiving!" to my parents through a webcam... or receiving similar greetings from my brother and his family through a pre-recorded video message... sure, we have the advanced technology to at least see one another, but nothing beats the flesh and blood - warm bodies filling a house where familial love abounds... and the walls resonate with laughter... and a room is made brighter because of the smiles held therein. It's my own carnality and selfishness that brings me to thoughts of injustice... Injustice because there are so many people out there who actually dislike Thanksgiving because it means having to be around their family... and yet I can't be with all of my family when that's all I want. But deep down, past the selfishness... past the pettiness... I know --- I know that my God has a reason for it all. He teaches us to trust in Him and His omnipotence and omniscience. He teaches us to realize and be thankful for what He has given us...even though it may not be everything we've asked for. But really, He wants us to know that all we need is Him. That even if everything in our lives was taken from us - just like what happened to Job (though far from such perfection we are) - He is all we need to carry on. And He is the only one that we should rely on.

So even though this past year has been tough... I am grateful beyond words for how God has seen me and my loved ones through it all. I THANK GOD for his grace that sustains me day by day. I THANK GOD for his love for me, that He sent His only begotten son to die for me. I THANK GOD that every moment He thinks of me... that He knows me by name... and for knitting me in my mother's womb. I am home when I am in His arms, and He gives me peace. I THANK GOD for the faith He's given me and the blessing of family. Our God is an AWESOME God. And this song always echoes in the halls of my heart, reminding me that despite the personal deviations that result from my own selfish humanity, He is always there, waiting for me with open arms. So, I THANK GOD for being who He is - in His very nature, perfect - and still loving puny little me, in all my sinfulness.



"He's Been Faithful"
In my loneliness and fear, through every pain every tear
There's a God who's been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone, when my heart had no song
Still my God has been faithful to me

Every word He promised is true
What I thought was impossible
I've seen my God do

He's been faithful, faithful to me
Just looking back His love and mercy I see
When in my heart I have questioned
And failed to believe
He's been faithful, faithful to me

When my heart looked away, the many times I could not pray
Even then He's been faithful to me
The days I've spent so selfishly, reaching out for what pleased me
Still in love He's been faithful to me

And every time I come back to Him
I see Him waiting with His open arms and I know once again

He's been faithful, faithful to me
Just looking back His love and mercy I see
When in my heart I have questioned
And failed to believe
He's been faithful, faithful to me