late, as always.

i started this post the first week of december.......... and here i am, finally getting to finish and publish it. yikes! i'm always late to the party.


so it's been a while...

i've tried a few times on my Blackberry to start a new post, but i couldn't save it. oh well.

so i started my Christmas decorating this weekend - finally! i already felt behind schedule because i usually do it the weekend after thanksgiving, but last weekend was just a bit crazy. well, really, most weekends are that way. it's hard when you're married to someone so popular. there's always something going on in joe's world, and therefore, mine, merely by association. if i were really to indulge in a pity party, i'd say that i'm just invited by default. it's like a package deal that's got the 50" Sony LCD flatscreen TV and comes with a busted, no name VCR. lol.

anyway. on to more important things.

so the theme this weekend happens to be "doing without". and it's a theme that resonates through this entire "season of giving", as they call it. friday night, i was on my way home from work and had to stop and get gas. while i was pumping, i noticed a man talking to one of the other patrons and it seemed like he was asking for money. now, in all honesty, i'm generally apprehensive about any such person who hangs around public places asking people for money. this day in age, especially as a female, one can never be too sure about what's going on in that person's head and what underlying motives could possibly exist. i am cautious about windowless vans that are parked next to my car... i lock my doors as soon as i get in... i watch my surroundings when i'm walking alone and i know that if i let someone put me in their car against my will, the chances of me not surviving are substantially increased. so i know good and well that i will scream bloody murder and fight with all i've got if, God forbid, that were to ever happen to me. this day in age, you can't trust folks or believe everything they say.

that said, i was naturally cautious when this man approached me at my vehicle. he proceeded to ask me if i had any money i could give him to get him some gas. i asked him where his car was (why would i give you gas money if you don't have a car??), and he pointed to a broke down "piece of junk" (his words, not mine), hoopty (my words, not his) type of car parked behind the gas station. the front was all dented in, there was saran wrap on the driver's side window, and it really did look like a piece of junk. he said he had his wife and his child in the car and they just needed some gas money to get them home. i asked him where home was... he said, "san bernardino." we were in pasadena. it wasn't exactly a hop, skip and a jump away. we started to chat about what he does for a living... he was a t-shirt salesman. he made his own t-shirts, but since his driver's license was suspended, it was hurting his business. he lost his car (hence the hoopty) and the replacement car kept breaking down on him... and he was just going through a pretty rough patch in his life.

before we even got to the sad details, i knew i was going to give him some of the cash i had in my wallet, just to help the guy out. it's christmas, after all. so i got a $5 bill from my wallet to give to him, but i kept talking to the guy. just wanted to hear his story and was hoping for the opportunity to share the love of Jesus with him. as i finished pumping my $45 worth of gas, i handed him the money. and he thanked me and said "God bless you". and i told him, "you too... and remember, look to Jesus. He'll take care of you, always." and he said, "oh i do, i love Jesus..." and i reminded him that He will always provide for his people. and as he walked away, he waved to his wife to bring the car over... and she brought it over to the pump... and he ran inside to the attendant and said "thank you! this is just enough to get us home...!" and his wife looked at me and smiled and waved... and i saw their baby in the front seat... who was probably only about 2 or 3 years old... and my heart broke. it ached for them. i was partly glad to have helped... but as i drove away in my "nice clothes" (his words, not mine) and my full tank of gas... i could only think about how i could have... and should have... done more.

it was literally a gut-wrenching feeling that i had as i drove all the way home. it still comes back to me tonight as i recall the experience. my eyes started to tear as i thought about how little so many people have. the economy these last 2 years have hit so many people... so many families... so hard. and the holidays can often times exacerbate the feeling of nothingness... and having to do without. and i kept thinking to myself... "why didn't i just tell him to bring the car over to the pump and pump him a full tank of gas?" ... "what if it's not enough to get them all the way home?" ... "maybe i should have gone inside and bought a few snacks for the little one..." ... "sure, with my tight budget i could use $20, but i could do without that money if it meant giving this family gas for their car so they can get around for a few days..."

so i drove home to my warm house and my happy children feeling as though i didn't do everything i could have in that moment. and i still wish i did.

during today's sermon at church of the open door, pastor ed underwood talked about how hard it is for some people at this time of year... because it reminds them of what they don't have... or of the pain that this time of year brings. and it resonated so strongly with me because it reminded me of how hard the recession has hit home for me and my loved ones. and for those i don't even know.... like the family at the gas station. there are people out there who are hurting.... who are going through so many trials that we don't know about. and the pain... memories of last christmas and how hard it was dealing with my grandmama being in a coma. missing my parents on christmas because they had to fly back sooner than expected so they could be with my gramps and with grandmama in the hospital. and realizing once again how different this christmas will be... the first without my brother and his family. so many reasons to find sadness in the season... 

but there is a hope that overcomes it.

there is a beautiful hope that the birth of Jesus represents.a true hope and a true peace that one can only find through faith in the Savior of this world. born a baby, fully God and fully man, he lived to die that we may have life... eternal life. and those who believe in His name will spend eternity with Him... and with our saved loved ones who have gone before. this is the hope we have if we believe... we rest assured that everything really will be all right because "...we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28). God will always provide for His children.. "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19) And He gives us peace. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7).

so this christmas, may you be filled with the hope and peace that only Jesus can give... and may you be comforted in knowing that once you have Him, He's the one person that you'll never have to "do without".