day four

today was ok. it was good to be in the house of the Lord. worshipping the Lord with other believers is just so profoundly comforting... but it's also one of those environments that makes you acutely aware of your vulnerabilities... i'm singing words like "i need you, Lord, i need you... every hour i need you" and my soul is just so heavy knowing how much this is the reality of my life at this very moment. i can't even sing as loudly as i normally do because if i really start to belt it out i would end up a messy puddle of tears in the middle of the service. not ready for that. not trying to go there. in my quiet times with the Lord and a trusted confidant, yes... not so much in a church service.

so that was an emotional time today. the things the Lord has been pulling me through the last 3 days were brought front and center to me and i just kind of became quiet because the truth was so glaringly loud that if i even tried to verbalize it myself, i would end up a wreck. so, it was one of those sundays where i sang the words but tried not to think about them too deeply because i would just be that emotional.

i thank God for His Word. so much comfort therein. my little sister / sister-in-love encouraged me with psalm 18 today.

I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies. The pangs of death surrounded me, And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid. The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me; The snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.           (Psalms 18:1-6 NKJV)

As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. For who is God, except the Lord ? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places. (Psalms 18:30-33 NKJV) 

The Lord lives! Blessed be my Rock! Let the God of my salvation be exalted. Therefore I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the Gentiles, And sing praises to Your name. (Psalms 18:46, 49 NKJV) 

There's a great section in this Psalm that also describes the Lord in such a mighty and powerful way. what a blessed perspective of the God who holds everything in His hands... He is omnipotent and omniscient... this is who holds my life... every single day of the life i live in the flesh by faith in the Son of God. in that case, i'm right where i need to be. :)

i also read today's devotional from elisabeth elliot's website. God has used this wonderful woman to speak His truth into my life so many times...

Sitting one still and sunny afternoon in a tiny chapel on an island in the South, I thought I heard someone enter. A young woman was weeping quietly. After a little time I asked if I could help. She confided her fears for the future--what if her husband should die? Or one of her children? What if money ran out?

All our fears represent in some form, I believe, the fear of death, common to all of us. But is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow? It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given us today. Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold of what can never belong to us--tomorrow? Our lives are His, our times in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what may happen. When we prayed "Thy will be done," did we suppose He did not hear us? He heard indeed, and daily makes our business His and partakes of our lives. If my life is once surrendered, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine!

Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now. 

I sure faced this one head on today. well, it's pretty much been that since day 2 of this storm. "when we prayed, 'Thy will be done,' did we supposed He did not hear us?" "LET ME NOT GRAB IT BACK" !!

in the back of my mind, i think... "if i hadn't chosen to pursue full surrender to Christ, would we be going through this storm right now?" and doubt creeps in and i blame myself. i prayed "anything" and now look what He gave me.. what He gave us. some part of me wants to blame myself for all of it. but the Lord corrected my thinking today through my sister's encouragement and also this devotion by elisabeth elliot. this storm we're in the middle of... it was written long before i chose the path of surrender. God did not decide to let this one slide by at the last minute... He's always known. and He knows how it will turn out. i just have to remember to trust that this life i've given Him is best placed his hands.

God is good! He always is. His Refiner's Fire is meant to purify us... so (here we go again!) PURIFY ME, LORD! at any cost!!

peace&love