day six.

the storm ... day six

it's almost surreal. God gives peace... i feel like i should be more emotional but it's as if He's covered me with this layer of ... i don't know how to explain the metaphor right haha. i just feel like He's somehow protecting me from myself. because i gave this storm over to Him... He's exchanged the strong current of emotions that once were overwhelming me with His amazing peace. it truly is a "peace that surpasses all understanding" guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. it's like being numb.... but not in the denial walking through life like a zombie kind of numb. it's numb but not... why is it so hard to explain this?? oh duh, because God's ways are not our ways... His thoughts are higher than our thoughts... there are just some mysteries in this life that we'll never figure out in this life... but i bet we'll be able to ask Him in Heaven :)

maybe it's a peaceful resolve? every day He encourages my heart... every day He replaces the fear with His peace...? i mean it's still there. right now, i feel the anxiety stirring as my mind escapes me in thoughts about the things i fear most in this storm... but there are times that i feel like i'm this tiny little person clinging for dear life onto this huge rock or pillar while the strong current threatens to pull me away and the waves beat me hard... clinging for dear life with eyes closed shut because if i open them it would be too much to see the thrashing that the storm is creating and the waves coming toward me and debris flying around everywhere... it's a wild mental picture for me. tiny little me in the middle of it all. but clinging to a BIG BIG God. HUGE. the center, the source, of my peace. and i look up and i see it's not just any old pillar i'm clinging to... it's the cross.
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{encouragement from elisabeth elliot}

One who has made up his mind to go to the uttermost with God will come to a place as unexpected and perhaps looking as impossible to travel as that riverbed looks. He may glance around for an alternative route, but if he wants what God promises His faithful ones, he must go straight into the danger. There is no other way.
...

When you take the risk of obedience, you find solid rock beneath you--and markers, evidence that someone has traveled this route before. "The Lord your God will cross over at your head... he will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not be discouraged or afraid" (Deuteronomy 30:19, 20; 31:3, 8, NEB). It's what the old gospel song puts so simply:

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way 
To be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey. 
--John H. Sammis

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"unexpected" ... "impossible to travel" ... "straight into the danger"

uh, yeah... i wish i didn't have to admit that i understand the sentiment on a personal level. i've looked around quite a few times these past six days... wondering, "really God? is this really the way we're supposed to go? there's gotta be a better way..." at times it's been wishing and hoping that we would wake up and find it was all a bad dream. but i guess right now it's just waiting on my knees, praying for a miracle... praying for mercy... "Lord, be merciful to us!" praying for deliverance... some grand display of God's amazing power... i know He's got the power to do anything and change circumstances in an instant... right now it's praying that He will... yet praying that if He doesn't... we will still praise Him.

lately the form of praise i've taken to is through music... playing the *one* song i'm not terrible at on the uke... "oh you bring" by hillsong. singing and humming the great old hymn "day by day".... it truly is a trial that we take day by day, one day at a time, crossing bridges as we get there... trying not to get too ahead of ourselves in thinking about what may come, but taking each moment, each day as the Lord bestows them. and since yesterday, trying to keep joyful praise in my head and heart with the song "beautiful day" by jamie grace.

we're reminded to "stay positive" --- i feel like my "realist" side is standing in the way of that for me. as a planner, i consider all the options. it's almost automatic that i respond with a cost/benefit analysis. it's annoying. lol. but the Lord... He keeps me light. He finds ways to kind of ease it out of my hands when i'm not paying attention... "I'll go ahead and take these blueprints... you don't need them anyway..." He says quietly while i'm not listening... so, trying to stay positive -- God is the God of hope! there's nothing to fear. He is good and all things work together for good to those of us who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He directs our paths. He's got it all worked out. And we can call upon Him and tell Him what we hold in our hearts... the desires we have... i'm learning that faith is not about asking for the worst to happen... i can ask Him for deliverance... i can ask Him for healing... i should! i can ask Him not to let the worst happen and believe that He hears me and knows my heart! the other side of the coin is accepting that whatever His answer to my requests are... it is for the good. so i'll pray hard and pray hard for all the things i hope for, praying for His mercy that He would hear my cry and answer my petitions.... but if things don't go quite the way we want them to - well - He is sovereign and in control and good. And faithful. faithful. faithful. faithful. He will not leave us through any of it. He will guide us and hold us through all of it.

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{jamie grace - beautiful day}

Wake up and smile cause it's been awhile
It's been like a whole day since I stopped so You could hold me
This child awaits, strong in the faith
Lord you are the refuge that I can't wait to get to
'Cause I can't let a day go
Can't let a day go by
Without thanking you for the joy that you bring to my life

And ooh there's something 'bout the way Your sun shines on my face
It's a love so true, I could never get enough of You
This feeling can't be wrong, I'm about to get my worship on
Take me away, It's a beautiful day

When trouble seems to rain on my dreams
It's not a big, not a big deal, Let it wash all the bugs off my windshield
'Cause You're showing me in You I'm free
And You're still the refuge that I've just got to get to
So I won't let a day go
Won't let a day go by
So put the drop-top down, turn it up, I'm ready to fly

And ooh there's something 'bout the way Your sun shines on my face
It's a love so true, I could never get enough of You
This feeling can't be wrong, I'm about to get my worship on
Take me away, It's a beautiful day

I've got no need to worry, I've got no room for doubt
No matter what's coming at me, You'll always be the beautiful I sing about
There ain't no limitations to Your amazing grace
And there's something 'bout the way Your love shines on my face
Oh no I could never get enough of You
This feeling can't be wrong, I'm about to get my worship on
I'm gonna sing a brand new song, Yeah I'm about to get my worship on
Take me away on this beautiful day