filled.
that's how i'm starting to feel again. the past week has been rough in the sense where i've felt a little bit stuck... i was just hit with this wave of apathy and that just snowballed into all sorts of guilt and lack of motivation. it's the flesh warring with the Spirit... my flesh just didn't want to keep up with the things i knew i needed to, but the Spirit was every day reminding me that i need to fight the temptation... that i need to be faithful to my callings... be disciplined and prioritize my time and efforts. but it's been that sort of week where i just wanted to do what i wanted to do. or, rather, not do what i didn't want to do.
i go through those times periodically... like a cycle, really. maybe it's hormonal and mostly physiological that i literally don't feel like doing it... but it's a mental/spiritual thing to push through the physical apathy and just get up and do. but i guess there's something i'm beginning to realize kind of through trial and error... i think i tend to over-spiritualize things sometimes. what i mean is that i tend to default to solving every problem spiritually. this is probably gonna come off wrong... maybe i can explain it enough where it makes more sense than i think it's gonna come out. example: my kids had been sick for at least a week or so. on and off, different things.... even i had some headache problems in there and it fell on the week that the hubbs had to work sunday too. so i was with the kids most of the time, taking care of them while they were sick, and sometimes while i was sick. one evening after dinner, i was being particularly cranky with my hubby and kids, but they hadn't done anything to really warrant it. i was just short-tempered and lacking patience. and truth be told, i had probably been wrestling with this guilt for days that i wasn't being a good mom, that i was failing at this, lacking discipline in that, yada yada yada. so inside i'm thinking to myself, i'm not being a good steward... something's gotta be awry in my spiritual life - have i been reading my Bible enough? spending enough time in prayer? why am i lacking patience? the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.... oh man, i haven't been bearing any of those fruits lately! maybe i should spend more time in devotion, draw nearer to the Lord and that should make me more grounded and i can have that peace i need so i can give more grace and love to those around me.
and you know... i do in fact believe that's true - that the more i draw near to the Lord, the more He grounds me - the more i am filled with Him, the more i can share Him with the people in my life - His love, His grace, His kindness, His mercy... etc. all that is totally true. but this is actually what ended up happening that particular night... sensing my crankiness, my wonderful hubbs sweetly suggests, "why don't you go out window shopping or something after dinner? like go to anthropologie or something..." (after being married for a while, if you pay enough attention, you start to notice the red flags and signs when something is awry and what your spouse probably needs at that very moment) and i was like... "okay..." thinking, "i'll try that. maybe i do just need to take a break from the house. i've kind of been stuck inside for most days cuz they've been sick..." so i went to anthropologie and urban home, just meandered and refueled with aesthetically pleasing environments... walking around alone, silently, able to hear my own thoughts and appreciate the beauty around me. it was so refreshing.
it was after i came home that i realized, "hey... this is usually how i feel after i take some time for me. just decompress, enjoy some alone time and refresh... i should probably take care of my physical side too..." truth is, when i come home from time away from the chaos that is often my home life (not that my kids are crazy, they're wonderfully good kids but the daily hustle and bustle on a constant basis becomes like inner anarchy to me lol)... i feel like i have room again to love on the people in my home the way i want to... the way they need me to... i appreciate them more.
so, i am trying to find balance. reminding myself that while, yes, i need to always keep my relationship with the Lord first and top priority, there are other things i need to also keep up with. as a human being, i have emotional, mental, physical and spiritual aspects to my being. i can't neglect any of them for too long without finding myself terribly imbalanced. and i can't just expect that pouring more into one aspect is going to solve the barrenness of the others. so sometimes it's as simple as taking a couple hours to do something for me. and that's ok. i shouldn't feel guilty if i didn't read my Bible during that time, especially if i've been consistently spending time with the Lord each day.
so i think that's the most recent discovery right now, as far as a general how-to-deal-with-life observation. it's still in the discovery stage... haven't quite had a lot of practice with its application but i'm sure there are many "growth opportunities" to come. i always seem to learn the hard way... (sigh) i get all caught up in my head, way over thinking things instead of staring the truth in the face and seeing just how simple it really is.
Posted by
No comments:
Post a Comment