overwhelmed.

sometimes i just feel like an ant at the bottom of a mountain.

so much to do. so many obligations to fulfill. so many things i wish i could do, but i just can't fit it in.

on the outside, i keep it all together. i walk with purpose... i am someone who has somewhere important to be and something important to do. i make sure i always look put together. if i look like i've got it together, then it must be true. but it's all hanging by a single fragile thread, ready to break at any time and come crashing down, down, down.

i have those CRASH! moments every once in a while. i've learned in my quarter of a century of life to hold the cover on the pot - so to speak - until the pressure just becomes way too strong. and then the top blows off and i'm just all over the place. everyone has a breaking point and i hit mine every so often. it's a pretty intense moment... all the failures, missed opportunities, worries, and lost moments come spewing out and i realize that i have NOTHING "together". i'm just skating by, doing a million things, but never doing anything as well as i can. i've always pushed myself toward excellence... but at any given moment, a snapshot of my life would scream mediocrity in performance, if that. i can do so much better. i can be so much more. but i don't. and i'm not. and it's one of the worst feelings. 

i've come to the realization that i am a juggler. i juggle my responsibilities, my fears, my dreams, my failures... if i keep my hand on any one plate for too long, the rest of the plates will come crashing down. so i just keep juggling. and each plate gets just enough touch time to keep it all going. from the outside, it looks impressive. "how do you do it??" they ask. but if you pay enough attention, you'll realize that it's just a circus.


and at the end of the day, the crowd has gone home and it's just me. 

tired and alone, just me.